Forbidden
by 2plus2make5
Summary: Cogito ergo sum was a lie, because only when I was feeling and not thinking, I knew I was alive and existing.


Summary: Cogito ergo sum was a lie, because only when I was feeling and not thinking, I knew I was alive and existing.

**Disclaimer:** Nothing mine, as usual.

**A/N:** I have a bad feeling about this one. Was hesitating very much.

* * *

It was forbidden.

The shared glances in the corridors, the locked doors, the _discussions_ in the classroom (alone).

But the things she did… the things she made me feel.

Maybe that is why it was forbidden, it was good, too good, it could not be good and it had to be forbidden.

And those things, the chills in the body… tremors…

They reminded me of my youth when I was that long, lanky boy sneaking around in school. And then there was a brief moment of disgust, because at that age my Potions professor did not stay in the classroom after the lessons, waiting, to discuss, to feel…

But usually that soon changed, because I felt like eighteen again –and it looked less worse– less worse what she did and what she made me feel. Then I could loose myself in this feeling and drown and thinking would not be necessary anymore. Not thinking about my ancient Potions professor and the dirty old man I felt.

…

Sometimes steps seem to be heard through the door and I could feel her body tensing, holding her breath. But once they were gone, _once they were gone_, the breathing and feeling was back. Thus I could feel, live and exist again.

Sometimes I was alone in the dungeons with the papers to mark and a quill twirling in my hand, to avoid the Great Hall during lunch because I did not want to feel guilty. In that space among all of my colleagues I had always felt that they knew, that they could smell and see it simply by looking at me or her. And then I was too cowardly to face them, for I dared not. I dared not –simple– because it was forbidden and it always would be. It should be, shouldn't it? And yet…

…

In my room, it was quiet. The silence was only broken with the rustle of paper and scrape of a quill that occasionally sounded when I switched to the exam of another student to mark. These moments, my brain was stand-by because I could only see the essays and words in front of me and think about the scribbling of pupils. I could not think, except Potions, Potions and Potions. But most of all I could not feel and I doubted whether I lived or existed. Then, at that moment Cogito ergo sum was not true because even though I was thinking, I did not feel, thus I did not exist.

Only when I heard the crack of the door which I could recognize among thousand of sounds, my heart started beating faster, Potions, instructions and ingredients forgotten. Then, I could just feel how my heart started pumping, the blood began to flow through my body and how the hair on my neck stood up.

Only then I could feel and exist.

And then the click, _click_, of the door. A grinding noise, a whisper of one, two spells, the wand being put onto the table and I did not have to look up to know that the door was being locked. I did not allow myself to look and see because then I would see her and her youthful face and I would be reminded of my age and look away in shame.

But she raised her hand under my chin, making eye contact, locking eyes and I was stunned – again and again– because this woman actually showed me she no longer was a child but a real woman. She reminded me, pointed it out, that she knew what she was doing and I should not feel guilty, regret nor shame about anything.

That was something I did not understand. I always thought girls, women, would be prudish but with her I sometimes felt shy. She smiled at it sometimes, I suppose she thought it was… nice. I could have been confused but before I could develop any further thoughts about it, she'd distracted me with those lips –the lips of a woman not a student– against my cheek in an affectionate gesture.

And then it began, all of it, to feel again, all thoughts dissolved, I felt –again– eighteen, I was reminded of the fact I existed and lived and was not just marking essays in the world aimlessly.

But it was forbidden, still and always.

Fin.


End file.
